Monday, October 26, 2015

We are precious...

It's been a week.

One week ago, I noticed a lump in my neck. Right on the midline. 

I've been thinking about what to write. How much detail? It's a long story for so short a time. 7 days... So here's the short version. 

Blood work, doctors, the "C" word being thrown around, and ultimately a CT scan. 

The mass turned out to be displaced and enlarged lymph nodes. Despite the fact that my blood work didn't point to infection, the doctor perscribed me some heavy duty antibiotics Friday. The first three days yielded no change and I started to lose it a little. The next option was not a good one. 

But today it began to shrink. It's far from gone but I feel like this is the solution. 

It's been a terrifying week. I'm emotionally spent. I've lived my life blissfully sure that I would grow to a ripe old age. I am young and invincible, right? The sting of death and illness lies far in the future. 

But this week... I have not felt invincible. I have cried.  I have felt anxiety like I've never experienced before. I have prayed, and felt peace and comfort. 

But I'm lucky... This time it seems that it's only some sort of infection gone wrong. So, what's the takeaway?

When it comes to our mortal existence, all that we hold dear can be gone in an instant. Wealth, the esteem of our fellow men, our health... Our lives can change at the drop of a hat. Those things that matter though, they endure. 

I have the promise of my family being with me forever. I have an eternal companion who I treasure. I have a sure knowledge that my Father in heaven holds me in his hands. He has numbered my days and I will not be given any less. He has the power to calm my fears and bring peace to my soul. We are not invincible. But we are precious. 

Thursday, October 15, 2015

No pain, no gain

A year and a half ago, I tore my meniscus. It healed up pretty well, but ever since, my knee has given me trouble. I finally went and saw the doctor. He gave me a bunch of excersizes to do to strengthen my knees... All of these require some weights. This was the final straw. I've been working on getting healthier for a while without a lot of measurable success. Ever since bed rest, my body has kind of been mush. So... I got a membership to a local gym. They have a daycare included and all the classes are included as well. 

The first day was horrible. The first week really. I had no endurance and I could lift so little weight. I do 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of weight training. Then I hit the sauna for a while and shower. 5 days a week. It's been almost four weeks now and today I really pushed myself on the elliptical. (Better for my knees than the tredmill)  it was hard but I went 3.76 miles!!!! A personal best so far. The first day, I went 1.2 miles.

 I'm proud of myself. It's getting easier everyday. I can feel my body getting stronger.  I'm actually starting to like it!

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Never again...

I've been thinking a lot on the subject of motherhood. I have been frustrated in watching some pretty terrible mothering happen. (Probably not by any of you.) it's true that I, myself have been guilty of some terrible mothering a time or two. We all break. I regret each moment. I ask for and pray for forgiveness for my faults and pray my children turn out okay despite my many flaws.

But I digress. That's not really the point of this post. 

My baby sister is the mother of a pretty amazing baby.  My middle sister is pregnant with her first baby. I have the privilege of being the mother of three incredible children. The subject of these sweet spirits and their hold over us from the moment we know they have taken root under our heart, has come up a time or two.

There's a quote floating around out there that talks about how "you will never be this loved again." I had never thought of it that way before... 

We will NEVER be this loved again!

Children are exhausting, needy, ruthless creatures. We all know it. We could list the 1,000,000 ways our lives are not our own once they come into the world. 

But this morning, my baby crawled into bed with me, tucked herself under my arm, and sleepily told me "I lu loo" with a heart stopping smile. She says it 123 times a day.  (Ok. Maybe I'm exaggerating... But not by much). 

My oldest. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He shares his fears and pain with me. My son, who is all knees and elbows as he races towards adolescence, will spend his spare moments snuggled next to me on the couch, asking me a million questions about life and telling me he loves me. 

My middle child. My precocious, determined sprite... Won't show you she is hurting. She won't let the world see her cry. But when I see it in her eyes.  When I take her in my arms and tell her it's ok .  When she lets her defenses fall and weeps in my arms. I know I am loved and trusted by this child. And later, when I force her to let me hold her like a baby and rock her, we laugh and laugh and she tells me she loves me. 

All day, between the moments of need and exhaustion, there is love. Constant. They love me. I am their whole world. Even when they don't say it with their words, the love is there.  In their embraces, their smiles, their tears...

I know that I will always be loved. I will always be a mother, daughter, sister, wife, friend and many other titles that will garner love. 

But if we are talking about love as a VERB.  An ACTION.

No... I will never be this loved again. The day will come when there are no more slobbery kisses.  No more boney legs and arms slamming into my body as they rush in the door from school. No small bodies inching closer and closer in the night. Turning my king sized bed into a 2x4. 

So I will try to absorb it all. I will try to be slower to anger.  Less frustrated with all their needs. 

Because their love fills me. Because I will never be this loved again...

Baby naughty!

Yesterday we were at our friends house and C disappeared behind a chair they had in the corner. I could hear her behind the chair, muttering about something. She reappeared holding a baby we had been missing for quite some time. 

"BABY HIDING!  BABY NAUGHTY!  Oh baby! You all naughty. No hiding!"

She then embraced her baby and kissed and snuggled it. All the while reprimanding it for being so naughty and hiding. 

And we laughed and laughed!

Monday, March 17, 2014

New Blogging Adventure

6 years ago, I started a craft blog, but it didn't work out.  Why?  I'm too lazy of a blogger.  It takes a lot of work to make a craft blog really successful.  And I wasn't up for it.  Kudos to those who are.  You rock.  

I have decided to start a new blog.  I'm not going to be all crazy about it and I don't really care if too many people even read it.  But I wanted a place to document our journey of fixing up this house and a forum to sell the junk I fix up.  :)  

When James and Glanbia parted ways I put this on hold.  It looked like we were moving and then whats the point right?  This blog is also the reason I am going private.  I don't want every stranger to be able to link back to my private blog.  But now we are staying so here goes!

Monday, February 24, 2014

Our stay at the castle

Let me preface this post.  I have an app in my phone where I take notes about my life.  They are random and rambling.  But sometimes useful.  This is an edited excerpt from some of those ramblings.

We have had a sickly winter to say the least.  In out home we have suffered from the common cold, influenza, pneumonia, and most recently the baby had bird flu.  Unfortunately, Ks pneumonia landed him in the local pediatric hospital. 

We have been in the hospital before.  For the most part I felt prepared. I began began this journey calmly submitting to the will of the Father, knowing he knew what was best and that this trial would indeed be but a moment. But as the moments added up I grew impatient. My faith was shown to be thin. So I had to shore it up and try again. Rebuking myself for faltering despite the fact that The Lord has been proven in my life time and again. 

Feeling blessed to have such a relatively healthy child there, I observed an interesting phenomenon of a pediatric hospital... And I couldn't help but think that their choice to call this hospital a castle was indeed appropriate.  

Exhausted Parents toting duffle bags into The Castle.  Ready to do battle slaying the dragons of fear and illness raging against their children.  Sacrificing their sleep, sanity and well being at the altar of their children's health and security

At one point I left the hospital to the tears of my son. Crying that I wouldn't leave him.  But I was so tired.  It was dad's turn.  I cried and I prayed with all my heart that he would be comforted in my absence.  Immediately my phone dinged with a message.  
"On our way to see K" 
No sooner had I uttered the words, but my prayer was answered by a dear friend who would sit with my son until I changed my mind... Kissed my girls and returned to the hospital to resume my watch.

As I did the dance of splitting my attentions between three children, there was very little bedside vigil swapping.  Daddy and I originally thought to trade the burdens back and forth between us. (Because I really did marry an incredible man and father!) But it wasn't to be.  This gangly man child... So independent and active suddenly needs his mother with an inexplicable urgency. Almost as though his body and spirit, once so inseparably connected to mine, required it's life force once again to heal and be whole. 

We were blessed.  We had visitors, babysitters, supportive phone calls, meals and more.  We made it home.  And I chalk it all up to another faith muscle building excersize.  Our father in heaven is good.   Mindful of us... Our needs and desires.  May I never forget.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013


This is my sisters nativity.  Isn't it BEAUTIFUL!  I actually have the same one but I have been collecting pieces since the first year we were married and it has grown quite large.  I thought about posting a picture, but it isn't about that.  

When I looked at this nativity, I couldn't help feeling nostalgic about that first Christmas when it was just Daddy and I and our simple little nativity.  It was the beginning of our life together.  We didn't have much but the life we were creating was beautiful.  

I'm so excited for my sister.  This is her first Christmas with Jimmy and she is having her sweet beginnings. I love that in this nativity you can't help but focus on the savior. I'm sure she will be thrilled as she adds to her nativity, as it symbolizes, I'm part, the years she has behind her... 

I LOVE my nativity!  But I also loved it when it was only three pieces... Mary Joseph and our beloved savior!