Friday, February 5, 2016

Being Blessed

Words are such tricky things. I've been thinking about this particular topic for a while and that is my conclusion. Words are tricky. 

When we were trying to get pregnant with baby #2, people would say all the time how they were so blessed to have their children. How grateful they were that God entrusted these spirits to them. Sometimes... Ok. Many times... I thought... "So I don't deserve those blessings? Am I less favored? Am I not worthy to be trusted to raise these sweet spirits?"

Did these individuals mean to offend?  No. Was anything they said wrong?  NO! Children are a blessing. It IS truly humbling to be trusted to raise these incredible spirits. 

The problem is our brains. And Satan. 

Satan takes words that are true, and uses their tricky nature to try to turn them into something else. He tells us, in our vulnerability and aching, that we are not as blessed. We are not as good. These are lies. They are not true. The childless couple is just as highly favored of the Lord as the couple with 10 kids. Their trials just look vastly different. 

When I was a young wife and mother, I visited a friend who had 4 children in 4 years. She was a wonderful person. And normally was a loving, caring and attentive individual. Each pregnancy, she had been on a different form of birth control.  Each time, she experienced worsening post-partum depression. After this fourth baby, she descended into post-partum psychosis. Afraid she would do something horrible to one or all of her children, she was admitted to an institution to stabilize her. For this incredible mother and wife, having babies was as much, or more of a trial than my struggle to have them. 

There is no comparing pain. To say your pain is less valid because mine was worse is ridiculous! This applies to the struggle of infertility as well as many other trials in life. 

I'm trying not to let words trip me up anymore. (Obviously not always successfully). I'm trying to let people say their truth without letting it reduce my truth. Also, while I strive to be sensitive to the way my words affect others, I try not to let that stop me from speaking my own truth. That my children are immeasurable blessings. 

Sunday, January 17, 2016

All the feels

With all the craziness going on this month, I haven't had a lot of time to think about our upcoming embryo transfer. The time has FLOWN BY!  It's crazy!  And I'm actually really grateful, because when I do think about it, I have all of these crazy conflicting emotions. 

I want another baby. I do. However, I'm almost 33 and we've been on this roller coaster for 12 years now. For 12 years of my life, I've been poked, prodded, ultrasounded from every possible angle, cut, stitched, and had the miraculous privledge of carrying 3 perfect babies into this world. I feel so lucky. And if we hadn't had these embryos, we would be done. The astronomical cost and the physical strain is too much. Plus the up all nights and breastfeeding and diapers... I'm just soooo tired.

But I want more babies. I do!  And when I have all these frustrating feelings, I feel horribly guilty!  Because if we were lucky enough to be blessed with one or two more... I would be thrilled. And if this doesn't work, I will be crushed. I will blame myself and regret EVERY negative thought I ever had. Cuz this is it guys. If it doesn't work, we have all the family we will have. And that's fine if that's what God has in mind for our family. But I will be crushed. 

A crazy month!

It's been a crazy month!  

We had a wedding reception for one of James little sisters... 

It was suuuuuper crazy to do ANOTHER wedding over the holidays! But it turned out nicely and I was happy to help out. 

We also got to go up to have sleigh rides and spudnuts in Driggs with some family. It was super fun!  I'm so glad we took the time to do it. 

Then we came home and got THIS little miracle added to our family!!! 

Holy cow!  My sister had a baby! He's a doll and I LOVE him already! It's breaking my heart that I can't see him for a while. I need to bank some sky miles. 


Who is also one of my beloved nephews... Had a seizure and terrified us all. So needless to say... It's been a wild month!

Friday, January 15, 2016

Locker thief!

This is totally petty and trivial. But for 5 months I've been coming to the gym and using the same locker. A girl started coming about a month ago, around the same time in the morning as me, and uses the one right under me. I could tell it bugged her that we were kind of in each other's way... So she started getting here before me and stealing my locker!  There's like 300 lockers!  Pick a new one! 

Wednesday, January 6, 2016


When we were trying to get pregnant with A, I swore there was no way I could give myself a shot!  

But there was no way I could find someone else to give me one everyday. Sooo... I did it. But it was just a little needle. Still hurt.  But it was little. Later, I needed progesterone shots. Those needed the BIG needles. Luckily, I had a friend who was willing to help me out, because there was NO WAY I was attempting that!

Here we are... 8 years later and I'm living in a rural setting. That means I have to suck it up and give myself injections in the rear... All by myself. This sucks. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to do it. To make matters worse... The med is in oil... So it's pretty much like injecting sludge into my rear end. I had a friend on standby, just in case I weenied out. But guess what?!?!

I did it!!! And it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.  Here's the proof. :)

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

The Things We Do

Does anyone read this? I'm betting not. Lol

Which is fine. I actually don't want to broadcast too widely, but I do want to document. It begins again...

Blood draws, ultrasounds, doctor appointments, daily meds and best of all... Shots. Lots of shots. 

So if you have a moment... Keep us in your prayers. We're hoping for baby #4... And maybe 5? 😳

Monday, October 26, 2015

We are precious...

It's been a week.

One week ago, I noticed a lump in my neck. Right on the midline. 

I've been thinking about what to write. How much detail? It's a long story for so short a time. 7 days... So here's the short version. 

Blood work, doctors, the "C" word being thrown around, and ultimately a CT scan. 

The mass turned out to be displaced and enlarged lymph nodes. Despite the fact that my blood work didn't point to infection, the doctor perscribed me some heavy duty antibiotics Friday. The first three days yielded no change and I started to lose it a little. The next option was not a good one. 

But today it began to shrink. It's far from gone but I feel like this is the solution. 

It's been a terrifying week. I'm emotionally spent. I've lived my life blissfully sure that I would grow to a ripe old age. I am young and invincible, right? The sting of death and illness lies far in the future. 

But this week... I have not felt invincible. I have cried.  I have felt anxiety like I've never experienced before. I have prayed, and felt peace and comfort. 

But I'm lucky... This time it seems that it's only some sort of infection gone wrong. So, what's the takeaway?

When it comes to our mortal existence, all that we hold dear can be gone in an instant. Wealth, the esteem of our fellow men, our health... Our lives can change at the drop of a hat. Those things that matter though, they endure. 

I have the promise of my family being with me forever. I have an eternal companion who I treasure. I have a sure knowledge that my Father in heaven holds me in his hands. He has numbered my days and I will not be given any less. He has the power to calm my fears and bring peace to my soul. We are not invincible. But we are precious.