"It's all I ever wanted for my whole life!"
Every time A opened a present this Christmas, that is what she cried out. Best age ever for Christmas!
I was laying here in bed feeling a little sorry for myself. You see, I am turning 30 at the end of the month. I had not planned to be pregnant this month. I had planned on doing some adventures. Possibly with my sisters if I could have arranged it, since we are super good at adventures! I wanted to make it a memorable month.
Then it didn't work out that way. It took more cycles to get pregnant than anticipated. Whatever. I can still have adventures when I'm 8 months pregnant. Just different ones, right?
Wrong. Bedrest. So I turn thirty on my couch.
And I think... I have spent my ENTIRE twenties either trying to get pregnant, or pregnant... Seriously. I'm not embellishing. I'm so tired of it. This part was supposed to be fun and liberating. (I'm having quite the pity party, aren't I. ;)
And then, clear as day, I hear that quote come into my head. "This is all I ever wanted for my whole life." And I begin to cry. Tears of joy and a little shame. My entire life... All I ever wanted was to be a mom. Given the challenges we have, I might have been denied that privilege. But The Lord has seen fit to bless me... With all I have ever wanted for my whole life.
I began to think of the other things I have spent the last decade doing. (Which I will elaborate on in my birthday post.). And I find that I have led an incredibly blessed and full life. Who am I to complain that this one thing didn't go as planned? When I have a whole life that has gone gloriously and incredibly, according to His plan.
I know that The Lord answers prayers. As I have moments of struggle and frustration, He allows them. I am grateful he does not deny us the right to feel indignation and frustration at our simple losses, because they are real to us. And then he sends that still small voice to remind me gently of His love and devotion to my life. It causes me to feel all the more blessed because of the loss felt in the moment before.
So I will spend the thirtieth birth month having a different sort of adventure. I will play balloon volleyball. I will read all sorts of good literature I won't have time for in a month or two. I will get to watch others love for me as they serve me. And I will keep growing this sweet little person. Because motherhood is my great adventure for now. And it really is all I ever wanted. ;)