Thursday, March 28, 2013

Newborn Photography

I decided that this time around, I was going to buy a nice camera and take my own pictures.  I have been doing lots of research while on bedrest, and here is the first fruit of my labor!  It was really hard to get this by myself!  It required taking two different pictures and merging them into one.  Its rough.  But I like how it turned out.  :)  I just LOVE her kissable little lips!  More to come later!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Addy and the Police

Let me preface this post by saying that we don't want our children to be afraid of the police. We want them to know that they are the good guys. That being said. When my children don't want to put their seat belts on, I have no problems turning the car towards the police station. I figure if I ever have to make good on my threat, the police won't mind giving a good lecture on the importance of wearing your seatbelt.

So anyway...

Daddy was driving home from Walmart tonight and had a headlight out. He was pulled over and when the officer came to the window... My daughter was quite indignant. With her arms crossed over her chest, and more attitude than you would think would fit in such a small body... This is how things went down

A: you can't arrest us! We are wearing our seatbelts!
Policeman: no, you're right I can't. I only arrest people doing bad things.
A: well I'm not doing anything bad... Right now.
P: that's good. Don't worry. I only arrest the bad guys.
A: well then!! Go find the bad guys!

There was more but this is the gist of it... And needless to say. Daddy did not get a ticket.

Friday, March 22, 2013


I went to the temple yesterday afternoon.  I didnt have time to do a full session, but I did some initiatories.  And afterward sat in the celestial room. 

C received a blessing last week and in it, it said that I would learn patience.  I have been desperately trying to be patient through this experience.  But I have learned that patience is not just holding your breath and waiting to come out the other side.  Patience is accepting a loss of control and turning that over to our Father.  It is trusting that He has a timeline and we are along for the ride and need to make the most of it.

So I sat in the temple and cried.  I promised to turn it over.  Acknowledged that me, trying to control the situation, did nothing but stress me out.  (and possibly my baby)  I didnt want to be stressed anymore.  I poured out my heart.  Feeling helpless and broken.  I wanted my baby home with me.  But I was finally ready to let it happen on His terms.  I left feeling at peace.  I left with a sure knowledge that it would take as long as it took but that she would come home when it was time.  I spent the afternoon just enjoying her.  I decided that it would probably be a few more days still and so I just needed to settle in.

Oh how ironic life is.  As I ceded control to my Father, he began to give me what I wanted.  Yesterday, she began to eat!

She has been taking full bottles most feedings and they removed the NG tube today!  Provided the little stinker doesn't pull anything tricky tonight, we are out of here in the morning.  I cant wait to bring my little girl home. 

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Tender mercies in times like these

OK... so my last post was sad.  But the reality is that this sucks.  It seems like every few days I have a breakdown.  It would almost be easier if they had said "you will be here for 3 weeks."  And then I could just settle in and plan.  But every day, they say, "any day now she can go home."  That is soooo much worse!  Every day I hope this will be with day and every day is a little disappointing.  So, the last few days I have been trying to just snuggle by baby and accept each day for what it is.   Do I hate this?  Yes.  Do I cry a little every time I leave her here at night?  Yes.  But there is nothing I can do about it.  So I can get mad and angry... (Which happens sometimes)  Or I can try to enjoy my sweet baby. 

A friend posted some quotes the other day that made me cry and helped me find a little peace.  Reminding me of truths I already knew, but that are easily forgotten in the heat of spiritual battle.

"True faith is not just knowing God can, but knowing why sometimes He doesn’t. True faith is not just believing that things can work out perfectly, but trusting when sometimes they don’t. True faith is not just receiving your answer, but accepting His."

"God requires sacrifice, but for whom? Does He need anything He asks of us? Who needs to be more grateful? Who needs to be turned away from the world and pointed toward heaven? Whose faith and love need to be strengthened and refined? Our sacrifices may be offered to God, but they are not really for Him. He is not trying to see how much He can squeeze out of us, but rather how much He can squeeze into us."

When we were trying to get pregnant with K and A It felt like a purifying fire.  I had to rely on the Lord so much.  My faith was tried, tested and strengthened.  While it was a devastating trial, I learned much.  With this time, I KNEW the Lord would give us a child.  We had been down this road.  I had faith that as we were patient, we would be blessed.  It wasn't as stressful and I had already grown the faith muscles to handle it pretty well.  But I guess I got too comfy.  I should have known better.  Sometimes in order for growth to happen, there has to be a stretching... some pain involved. 

I don't know why He feels like I need to be this strong.  I fear the trials ahead that require the kind of muscles I have had to develop.  But I know that I am loved.  I know that as I have faith and patience, my prayers are answered in the best way possible for me and my family.  I am thankful for the tender mercies that are shown me.  The people that have been sent to be the arms of my Father, to encircle me, protect and love me.  Tender mercies are all around.  Little miracles that we can see if we will just look.  I'm trying hard to look these days and I have not been disappointed.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

NICU nightmares

(This is more of a journaly post. So feel free to skip it if you don't want to hear my hormonal ravings)

It's not what I imagined... Bringing this baby into the world. I'm sitting in the recliner here in the NICU. I was going to pick her up and do some skin to skin. But she looks so peaceful and so far her life hasn't exactly been a walk in the park. So I lay here and think.

You dream of the experience for 9 months. You gather little outfits to pack into the diaper bag. Binkies and blankets. Hats. You know there will be tremendous pain, but in the end there wil be this pink miracle to erase the pain and sacrifice of it all. I pictured it all. Even the ugly little hat they slap on their heads when they are born. I knew that there was a possibility she would come early but I believed that we would hold on long enough to get all this.

Instead she was whisked away. And it felt like a betrayal. My body had betrayed us both. There would be no burrito baby with an ugly hat. No cute outfits. No rooming in and learning the art of breastfeeding together.

Instead we got wires and IVs and feeding tubes. Instead of the rest and post labor pampering, i jumped up and followed my baby to a place where i would be an accessory to my daughter. Everyday I feel hope that tomorrow will bring some great milestone to get us closer to home. But today I just feel sick, exhausted, sad, inadequate and in pain. And it all feels so incredibly overwhelming.

We have sacrificed so much to bring this little girl into the world and I feel like I have been thwarted at every turn. I look at her sweet face and feel such overwhelming love and fierce devotion to her. she is worth everything. and I know she will be fine eventually and be able to come home. But it feels so far away. And I'm just so tired.

Clara arrives

Just wanted to let you know... We have our baby. I went into labor on Tuesday at 1 am. I will update more later. But it occurred to me that some follow me here and not on Facebook.

Our little sweetie is having some trouble and we are currently in the NICU in twin falls. We are hoping to go home Friday but that all depends on her. Here's a picture to tide you over. :)

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Bedrest Chronicles #7... the wrapup!

Well... we did it!  We made it to 36 weeks.  But I doubt we will make it much further.  

The appointment went ok yesterday.  I was almost a 4...  and 80% effaced.  Given that, the position of the baby etc... the Dr. was nervous about sending me home.  But in the end we both feel like the longer she cooks the better.  He wants to see me twice in the next week to keep close tabs on me.  I go in Tuesday and Friday.   Either day could be D-Day... but I could also go into full labor any time.  Sigh... the joys of having a baby.  Everything is so uncertain. 

But luckily one thing is certain.   If i don't go on my own by some miracle before Friday, he will break my water and we are having this baby.  We will be one day shy of 37 weeks but I feel OK with it at this point.  The reality is that 37 weeks is so much better than what we initially thought and I seriously doubt she would make it much past that anyway.  

So bedrest... The verdict?

I am so thrilled to be free!  Not that I have the energy or ability to do much.  But I COULD!

We are going on a date tonight with some friends.  Our last hoo-rah before baby comes.  Although I have no problems leaving my babies with babysitters, so hopefully it wont be the last hoo-rah for long.

The next post you see should contain a picture of our beautiful little C.  CRAZY!  I cant wait to meet her!  Bet you cant either.  ;)

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Bedrest Chronicles #6

When I wrote the first of these entries... it seemed like 6 weeks was SOOOOO far away!  And wow... here we are.  In the home stretch.  This is my last week of bedrest.  When its over I will have been sitting on this D@#n couch for 6.5 weeks.  I kind of want to burn it.  But at the same time I am grateful for the cushy seat it has provided me.

This week we have been playing a lot of games.  I spent the first few weeks working on projects but I am tired of that now, and A and K needed some mom time.  So I hit up Amazon last week and bought some games that we could play while I was sitting on the couch.  Best idea ever!  Not only does it give A and I something to do together durring the day, but we can play them as a family later.  WIN!

 We have had some mishaps in As room lately and because James is awesome... Daddy to the rescue.  He cleaned her carpets.  Now the room smells so fresh and is ready for baby.  And the mashed banana is out of the carpet.  ;)
 Yesterday, Dad took the kids and Grandpa fishing.  It was a good day for them.  Everyone caught fish, including A!  But I was SUPER bored!  It was kind of nice for me for the first few hours.  I took an uninterrupted nap, and watched a chick flick without anyone complaining.  But after about noon... I realized how quiet it was and that I had nothing to do.  But I survived.  :)

 So... Dr. appointment on Friday!  They will either keep me and have a baby or send me home for another week.  But I will be taken off the meds that have been keeping me from contracting.  I hesitate to make any predictions because she will probably prove me wrong.  So we will be playing this by ear from now on.  But realistically we could have a baby any time after friday and it would be ok by me.  I am so over this!  And I cant wait to meet my sweet baby!