Thursday, March 14, 2013

NICU nightmares

(This is more of a journaly post. So feel free to skip it if you don't want to hear my hormonal ravings)

It's not what I imagined... Bringing this baby into the world. I'm sitting in the recliner here in the NICU. I was going to pick her up and do some skin to skin. But she looks so peaceful and so far her life hasn't exactly been a walk in the park. So I lay here and think.

You dream of the experience for 9 months. You gather little outfits to pack into the diaper bag. Binkies and blankets. Hats. You know there will be tremendous pain, but in the end there wil be this pink miracle to erase the pain and sacrifice of it all. I pictured it all. Even the ugly little hat they slap on their heads when they are born. I knew that there was a possibility she would come early but I believed that we would hold on long enough to get all this.

Instead she was whisked away. And it felt like a betrayal. My body had betrayed us both. There would be no burrito baby with an ugly hat. No cute outfits. No rooming in and learning the art of breastfeeding together.

Instead we got wires and IVs and feeding tubes. Instead of the rest and post labor pampering, i jumped up and followed my baby to a place where i would be an accessory to my daughter. Everyday I feel hope that tomorrow will bring some great milestone to get us closer to home. But today I just feel sick, exhausted, sad, inadequate and in pain. And it all feels so incredibly overwhelming.

We have sacrificed so much to bring this little girl into the world and I feel like I have been thwarted at every turn. I look at her sweet face and feel such overwhelming love and fierce devotion to her. she is worth everything. and I know she will be fine eventually and be able to come home. But it feels so far away. And I'm just so tired.

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