Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Tender mercies in times like these

OK... so my last post was sad.  But the reality is that this sucks.  It seems like every few days I have a breakdown.  It would almost be easier if they had said "you will be here for 3 weeks."  And then I could just settle in and plan.  But every day, they say, "any day now she can go home."  That is soooo much worse!  Every day I hope this will be with day and every day is a little disappointing.  So, the last few days I have been trying to just snuggle by baby and accept each day for what it is.   Do I hate this?  Yes.  Do I cry a little every time I leave her here at night?  Yes.  But there is nothing I can do about it.  So I can get mad and angry... (Which happens sometimes)  Or I can try to enjoy my sweet baby. 

A friend posted some quotes the other day that made me cry and helped me find a little peace.  Reminding me of truths I already knew, but that are easily forgotten in the heat of spiritual battle.

"True faith is not just knowing God can, but knowing why sometimes He doesn’t. True faith is not just believing that things can work out perfectly, but trusting when sometimes they don’t. True faith is not just receiving your answer, but accepting His."

"God requires sacrifice, but for whom? Does He need anything He asks of us? Who needs to be more grateful? Who needs to be turned away from the world and pointed toward heaven? Whose faith and love need to be strengthened and refined? Our sacrifices may be offered to God, but they are not really for Him. He is not trying to see how much He can squeeze out of us, but rather how much He can squeeze into us."

When we were trying to get pregnant with K and A It felt like a purifying fire.  I had to rely on the Lord so much.  My faith was tried, tested and strengthened.  While it was a devastating trial, I learned much.  With this time, I KNEW the Lord would give us a child.  We had been down this road.  I had faith that as we were patient, we would be blessed.  It wasn't as stressful and I had already grown the faith muscles to handle it pretty well.  But I guess I got too comfy.  I should have known better.  Sometimes in order for growth to happen, there has to be a stretching... some pain involved. 

I don't know why He feels like I need to be this strong.  I fear the trials ahead that require the kind of muscles I have had to develop.  But I know that I am loved.  I know that as I have faith and patience, my prayers are answered in the best way possible for me and my family.  I am thankful for the tender mercies that are shown me.  The people that have been sent to be the arms of my Father, to encircle me, protect and love me.  Tender mercies are all around.  Little miracles that we can see if we will just look.  I'm trying hard to look these days and I have not been disappointed.

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