Monday, October 26, 2015

We are precious...

It's been a week.

One week ago, I noticed a lump in my neck. Right on the midline. 

I've been thinking about what to write. How much detail? It's a long story for so short a time. 7 days... So here's the short version. 

Blood work, doctors, the "C" word being thrown around, and ultimately a CT scan. 

The mass turned out to be displaced and enlarged lymph nodes. Despite the fact that my blood work didn't point to infection, the doctor perscribed me some heavy duty antibiotics Friday. The first three days yielded no change and I started to lose it a little. The next option was not a good one. 

But today it began to shrink. It's far from gone but I feel like this is the solution. 

It's been a terrifying week. I'm emotionally spent. I've lived my life blissfully sure that I would grow to a ripe old age. I am young and invincible, right? The sting of death and illness lies far in the future. 

But this week... I have not felt invincible. I have cried.  I have felt anxiety like I've never experienced before. I have prayed, and felt peace and comfort. 

But I'm lucky... This time it seems that it's only some sort of infection gone wrong. So, what's the takeaway?

When it comes to our mortal existence, all that we hold dear can be gone in an instant. Wealth, the esteem of our fellow men, our health... Our lives can change at the drop of a hat. Those things that matter though, they endure. 

I have the promise of my family being with me forever. I have an eternal companion who I treasure. I have a sure knowledge that my Father in heaven holds me in his hands. He has numbered my days and I will not be given any less. He has the power to calm my fears and bring peace to my soul. We are not invincible. But we are precious. 

Thursday, October 15, 2015

No pain, no gain

A year and a half ago, I tore my meniscus. It healed up pretty well, but ever since, my knee has given me trouble. I finally went and saw the doctor. He gave me a bunch of excersizes to do to strengthen my knees... All of these require some weights. This was the final straw. I've been working on getting healthier for a while without a lot of measurable success. Ever since bed rest, my body has kind of been mush. So... I got a membership to a local gym. They have a daycare included and all the classes are included as well. 

The first day was horrible. The first week really. I had no endurance and I could lift so little weight. I do 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of weight training. Then I hit the sauna for a while and shower. 5 days a week. It's been almost four weeks now and today I really pushed myself on the elliptical. (Better for my knees than the tredmill)  it was hard but I went 3.76 miles!!!! A personal best so far. The first day, I went 1.2 miles.

 I'm proud of myself. It's getting easier everyday. I can feel my body getting stronger.  I'm actually starting to like it!

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Never again...

I've been thinking a lot on the subject of motherhood. I have been frustrated in watching some pretty terrible mothering happen. (Probably not by any of you.) it's true that I, myself have been guilty of some terrible mothering a time or two. We all break. I regret each moment. I ask for and pray for forgiveness for my faults and pray my children turn out okay despite my many flaws.

But I digress. That's not really the point of this post. 

My baby sister is the mother of a pretty amazing baby.  My middle sister is pregnant with her first baby. I have the privilege of being the mother of three incredible children. The subject of these sweet spirits and their hold over us from the moment we know they have taken root under our heart, has come up a time or two.

There's a quote floating around out there that talks about how "you will never be this loved again." I had never thought of it that way before... 

We will NEVER be this loved again!

Children are exhausting, needy, ruthless creatures. We all know it. We could list the 1,000,000 ways our lives are not our own once they come into the world. 

But this morning, my baby crawled into bed with me, tucked herself under my arm, and sleepily told me "I lu loo" with a heart stopping smile. She says it 123 times a day.  (Ok. Maybe I'm exaggerating... But not by much). 

My oldest. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He shares his fears and pain with me. My son, who is all knees and elbows as he races towards adolescence, will spend his spare moments snuggled next to me on the couch, asking me a million questions about life and telling me he loves me. 

My middle child. My precocious, determined sprite... Won't show you she is hurting. She won't let the world see her cry. But when I see it in her eyes.  When I take her in my arms and tell her it's ok .  When she lets her defenses fall and weeps in my arms. I know I am loved and trusted by this child. And later, when I force her to let me hold her like a baby and rock her, we laugh and laugh and she tells me she loves me. 

All day, between the moments of need and exhaustion, there is love. Constant. They love me. I am their whole world. Even when they don't say it with their words, the love is there.  In their embraces, their smiles, their tears...

I know that I will always be loved. I will always be a mother, daughter, sister, wife, friend and many other titles that will garner love. 

But if we are talking about love as a VERB.  An ACTION.

No... I will never be this loved again. The day will come when there are no more slobbery kisses.  No more boney legs and arms slamming into my body as they rush in the door from school. No small bodies inching closer and closer in the night. Turning my king sized bed into a 2x4. 

So I will try to absorb it all. I will try to be slower to anger.  Less frustrated with all their needs. 

Because their love fills me. Because I will never be this loved again...

Baby naughty!

Yesterday we were at our friends house and C disappeared behind a chair they had in the corner. I could hear her behind the chair, muttering about something. She reappeared holding a baby we had been missing for quite some time. 

"BABY HIDING!  BABY NAUGHTY!  Oh baby! You all naughty. No hiding!"

She then embraced her baby and kissed and snuggled it. All the while reprimanding it for being so naughty and hiding. 

And we laughed and laughed!