Sunday, January 17, 2016

All the feels

With all the craziness going on this month, I haven't had a lot of time to think about our upcoming embryo transfer. The time has FLOWN BY!  It's crazy!  And I'm actually really grateful, because when I do think about it, I have all of these crazy conflicting emotions. 

I want another baby. I do. However, I'm almost 33 and we've been on this roller coaster for 12 years now. For 12 years of my life, I've been poked, prodded, ultrasounded from every possible angle, cut, stitched, and had the miraculous privledge of carrying 3 perfect babies into this world. I feel so lucky. And if we hadn't had these embryos, we would be done. The astronomical cost and the physical strain is too much. Plus the up all nights and breastfeeding and diapers... I'm just soooo tired.

But I want more babies. I do!  And when I have all these frustrating feelings, I feel horribly guilty!  Because if we were lucky enough to be blessed with one or two more... I would be thrilled. And if this doesn't work, I will be crushed. I will blame myself and regret EVERY negative thought I ever had. Cuz this is it guys. If it doesn't work, we have all the family we will have. And that's fine if that's what God has in mind for our family. But I will be crushed. 

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